A Comprehensive Comment on Condiments

You would think that a burger connoisseur such as myself would be open to any and all condiments; that if I'm to order a burger, I'm going to want it with everything, the way God intended. I hate to disappoint, but this is not the case. I'll just start with my least favorite furnishing and work my way up.

I know many will be outraged by this, but I can't stand yellow mustard, or really most mustards besides honey. (I won't even kiss my Burger Boy-toy if he's been consuming this cursed condiment) When I was little, I detested this condiment condemnation, but thought that I would like it as an adult, because, well, adults eat all kinds of gross things. It's part of being an adult! Unfortunately, I never developed a taste for mustard and therefor will not eat a burger that has come into contact with it. It's just not happening. Heinz mustard is probably the most popular brand and one of my best Burger Buddies loves her mustard and pickles; popular with most people, but not me!

I'm more fickle with pickles. I generally prefer it as a garnish to go along side my burger, like a french fry. Every now and then, if I want to mix it up with more than just the tomato and lettuce, I'll put on a pickle or two. I also have a preference for types of pickle slices. My least favorite is the little round slices, which are typically for burgers, being the reason I don't like them on my burger. The slices just seem old and rubbery to me, not crisp like the pickle spears. I love pickle spears! Which, once again, explains why I like them as a garnish. As for whole pickles, I like the fresh crispness, but it's just way to much pickle! I don't know why but I find a stork with a pickle charming, so I prefer Vlasic to most pickle brands. Hehehe "best pickle I ever heard"! *CRUNCH*

I LOVE KETCHUP!!! You hear me? Love it! Heinz, in particular, is my very favorite. Hunt's and store brands are all secondary to Heinz. Heinz is the Rolls Royce of ketchups. And don't ever call it "catsup" in my presence. "Catsup" sounds like something a feline may have regurgitated. It's just a gross word, like moist or squirt. Actually, I like both of those words more than catsup. Just don't say it. I used to live in Pittsburgh, the birthplace of Heinz (and perhaps the origin of my steadfast love for this tasty tomato product). When I was in fourth grade I had the exciting opportunity to tour the Heinz factory and even received a ketchup pin! When I eat a burger and fries, I'll generally go through nearly 4 oz of ketchup. To give you an idea, there's 20 oz of ketchup in a basic Heinz ketchup bottle (see bottle on the platter above). Ketchup is the perfect compliment to any burger!

Then there are your more adventurous dipping sauces and spreads. Many people like ranch dressing. It gets a bit old for me, but sometimes I'll go for a dip or two. Mayonnaise should probably not go on burgers, but some enjoy it. Although, I've never heard of anyone who prefers mayonnaise. Thousand Island is popular, but due to my pickle pickiness, I shy away. Barbeque sauce also has its place in the burger world, especially with swiss cheese and

 mushrooms! I've actually even eaten a burger with peanut butter on it! It was called the Guber Burger and it was surprisingly delicious. It can be found at Wheel Inn Drive In in Sedalia, MO. Don't be fooled by the internet; it claims it closed in September 2007, but I visited in the Fall of 2008!

A final word, since I know this blog has been a bit rambling, I generally like just lettuce and tomato, as far as vegetables go on my burgers. There are specialty burger that require other things, like bacon or mushrooms or caramelized onions, but I'll save those for a separate blog! Another little quirk is that I like all my furnishings on the side, including ketchup, so I can choose what and how much I want for every bite!

Peace & Burgers